2010 will renew my snobbery in snack

It's been four years since I've written for Snack Snob. The following story should explain my return.


I was eating at Akasha in Culver City with my brother and Trish Stone. My brother said, "I know this sounds crazy, but I just ate a Heath bar for the first time."

- pause -

The Heath bar is a Hershey chocolate. This means, of course, that it is not high-quality chocolate, but serves the kind of immediate chocolate craving that someone with low self-worth might find satisfying. The Heath bar is better as a "mixer" snack, rather than a "standalone" bar of craven consumption and shame. It's like gin, I guess. Heath bar is great in ice-cream or smothered around a caramel or chocolate based truffle. The Heath bar really sings when it is crushed. It recalls a discussion of "non-self" we can find in the 5th Century c.e. Buddhist philosopher Nagarjuna, in which we find the "self" of the Heath bar is really understood when we look at the infinite causes and conditions that allow the Heath bar to arrive and be understood as "Heath" "Bar." When crushed, or crumbled, we consume Heath, chanting under our breath "there is no bar, there is no bar, there is no bar."

My brother said, "I know this sounds crazy, but I just ate a Heath bar for the first time." Trish Stone follows this with a "I don't eat Heath bars."

I looked at them both like they had lost their minds, or perhaps, I felt a loss of my own. Is it possible they do not like any toffee-based confection? Are they unhappy with toffee? Why is the room spinning?

So, of course, I responded, "Have you ever had a Skor bar?"

This is obviously where I turn into the crazy person. Because I continued, "You take a Skor bar and set it in the freezer for about 15 minutes and then take it out again. Let it sit on the counter for about another 5 minutes. Then unwrap it and break it in half. It's thinner. . . . it's thinner than a Heath bar. There's nothing like a nearly-frozen Skor bar."

A nearly-frozen Skor bar provides solace and comfort, and "we give [it] thanks and praise."

Why does Hershey make two toffee bars?

Insecurity.