I'm Cleanin' Out My Closet

Look at an M&M. An M&M is a very precise, elegant confection. I'm talking about the original M&M, not the lumpy (yet delicious) peanut M&M, or the more upsetting peanut-butter, crispy, and mini varieties. Yes sir, the original M&M is a perfect little object. Once deposited in the mouth, it actually feels delicious. Before I ever bite down, before the melting far from my hand, I can roll the little M&M across my tongue and physically sense the impending sweetness.

The lumpy peanut M&M is fantastic, but it really requires that satisfying chomp to split the M&M and reveal to the mouth a complete nut. The abominations (the peanut-butter, crispy, mini varieties), are disgusting. Peanut-butter M&M is fat; it feels chubby inside the mouth, which is not a feeling you want in your mouth when you're eating a candy. And it tastes nasty. Worse is the crispy M&M, which is really horrible, as if the M&M contracted an STD. Really just horrible. And the mini variety is pathetic. They taste just like normal M&Ms, but they're little. Redundant and pathetic. Unlike a normal M&M, the pre-pubescent mini variety can't fly solo. You need to pop a handful of them to really uncover the chocolate flavor. Problem is, once you pop a handful of mini-sized M&Ms, it feels like you're eating Nerds, which makes the bursts of chocolate disconcerting.

And EVERYBODY wants in on the M&M action. Reese's Pieces are the immediate example. Reese's Pieces are basically the same shape & size as M&Ms. They're lovely. But now comes big bad Hershey. Sad, old, pathetic Hershey. Who the hell eats a Hershey bar? They're grotesque candy bars. A frozen Mr. Goodbar ain't bad, but I'm a sucker for peanuts. And those little miniature Crackle's are pretty good during the Holidays. But even I have to be pretty horny for chocolate to actually pay a dime for something from Hershey. Recently Hershey tried to horn in on the delicious-chocolate-market by releasing its gross "Pot O' Gold" collection. . . . .um, please just stop. Drop me a $6 box of Whitman's Sampler or put a bullet in my throat. So, desperate for attention like a short slutty high-school student, Hershey has released it's M&M-wannabe "Kissables." The Kissables take the shape of the inedible Hershey's Kiss, only much much smaller. Then, each little micro-kiss is coated in "candy," otherwise known as M&M-shell. Like most other Hershey products (including my Medieval Catholic Priest cousin, Father John, who hails from Hershey, PA), the Kissables are drab, sick, moralistic daggers piercing the heart of desire. The main problem with the Kissables is their shape. Unlike any of the M&M varieties, the Kissables don't even try to be round-ish. The "precious" thing about Kissables is that they look like little miniature Hershey's kisses; they feel like horrible hard rodent nipples in your mouth. I gagged when I put the first Kissable in my mouth. I actually gagged. I ate a few more, trying to keep the vomit down; I never finished the whole bag. Incidentally, the "candy coating" is eerily sweet, as if the coating is sweetened to compensate for the pedestrian Hershey chocolate.